Sometimes, there is nothing quicker to get me in to bed, than a guy, a guitar and a clever song choice. Its that easy.
I could barely see the man sat right in front of me. In my kitchen at 2am drinking Baileys, and nothing but Baileys. I can still taste the sickly creamy taste in my mouth with a underlying tone of regret. I could just see a very tall man, sat with his guitar playing my favourite song to me. His hair was messy and his eyes were crazy blue. He was a lot older than me, never dated an older guy before, it was all very new and exciting. He was courteous and polite, something that i very rare to find in a human let alone a partner nowadays.
We spent the evening talking about music and life. I kept seeing him look at me while i was singing, very loudly and out of tune, not sure if he was hideously repulsed by me or fascinated. Probably repulsed. I was a state.
We sang and talked all evening, still drinking nothing but Baileys. I think it must have reached the point that we we’re both too drunk to even string a sentence together, let alone put his genitals inside me. So we headed straight to bed, maybe had a bit of a cuddle until we both drifted into an Irish Cream induced coma.
So there I lay, its 6am, I still feel rotten from all the Baileys. Can’t imagine how much cream I’ve consumed, oh god just don’t think about the cream. There’s a man on me. Oh holy shit, we are spooning. NO. HOES DON’T SPOON, HOES DON’T CATCH FEELINGS, HOES DON’T F- that’s his erect penis. Yup. Oh dayum looks who’s come out to play. Can’t quite tell if that’s a decent size or not. It’s just flexing against my bum. So I do what EVERY girl does. When you’re spooning a guy and you’re the little spoon (never be the big spoon girls, totally not worth having a hairy arse squished right on your perfect thighs while he snores and/or farts on you.) Anyway, you’re the little spoon, and you want to get his dick inside you, so you do the bum shuffle.
The bum shuffle – the art of shuffling ones bum seemingly to “get into a more comfortable position whilst partaking in spoons” – this is a lie, it is actually a manoeuvre performed by the female to rub her perky bottom against his manhood to arouse him further. This indicates that the female is ready for coitus.
I take a deep breath, not too loud, that would be weird, and I slowly arch my back and start to grind my hips. It’s quite a slow process normally, like you shuffle and they flex their dick, you shuffle again and they flex again… it goes on for a while until you have to eventually turn over and hand over the goods.
So i’m bum shuffling and BAM there a hand on my hip. In my head I’m like “YASS SLAY QUEEN FIRE EMOJI 100 EMOJI YASSSSS”. So he’s taken the hint and normally the foreplay begins around about now so I’m all good to go. Wait, what is he doing? Oh he’s going right on in, oh okay. Yep. That’s a penis alright. In my vagina. Didn’t even kiss me. Just went straight in for the goods straight from spooning, this is unprecedented. This is not normal. I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS KIND OF SITUATION. Maybe it’s because he’s an older gent and he knows what he’s doing. Honestly stop narrating this Emilie, have you just been lying there in complete stillness over analysing the situation while a hunky piece of man meat is currently residing inside your vagina? Yes. Fantastic. He whispers disgusting things in my ear from behind, not like about poo or toilets, like dirty talking, something I didn’t think I could enjoy. He worked it. He stroked my hair behind my ear and pulled it into a ponytail in his hand. PLEASE. This is all too much. He was the perfect combination of sexy and cute (Yes I stole that quote from a movie.)
After a pretty steamy spoon sex sesh, I turn around and look at him, like that moment on blind date when the screen pulls back to see if you’ve pulled a complete nutcase or not. PLOT TWIST it’s a complete stranger. Joking, it was still him. He smiled at me and kissed me and said “good morning beautiful.” I thought how great it was that I found a man that could do both. Looking into his beautiful crazy blue eyes. Then he sat upright, turned around, put on his clothes and shoes, grabbed his guitar and walked right out the door.
I never saw him again.
Just like that, completely disappeared from my life. Its just so typical that you meet a guy that you could easily take to a family wedding and he’ll charm the pants off of everyone, and then slip his fingers in you in the back of the shared taxi on the way back to your hotel just to keep things interesting, and he doesn’t stay.
And so the quest begins again….
The one with the guitar – 5/10 – Sex and the company was a solid 10. Deducted points for the whole experience. Would not do again, based on what little principals and morals i have left.